Difference Between Coma And Pralysis

96. Der Heilige Abend.

Goddamn I'm a Cliché

"... Last year I was at Christmas in the hospital three years ago .. in jail and been just down the street. And now I'm sitting here in this tiny room and living my dream .. and somehow I'm so damned unhappy, just because Christmas. When my parents would show up now after 26 years .. just like that, what then? Then I had a family only .. .. fuck it, they were not there! "
" Oh, Laura, it was so great when you were still with us. .. I mean we had so much fun .. every damn day. And now everything is kind of .. bleak. Why is that always only one clear if it's too late eh? "

And I there still stuck. Still, after months. The departure broke me a little, and from this inner paralysis, I do not come out. I am not even come with the least psychological stress clear, I am so unhappy and miserable and hate myself for it. Perhaps I am now just a spoiled bitch, I wanted to be never. I have a job. And I'm good at it and I am treated well. It is only opening up the meaningfulness not to me .. but it is not the job is to blame.
it was out I also own, how unhappy I am actually in that situation. It may not be easy. I want be no one who has given up. People who have given themselves and their lives are unattractive, not interest them. They interfere more or less their own illusion. And I do it again .. I'm fucking jealous of people who live in their own bubble untouchable happiness. Envy is toxic.
It's kind of fascinating that some people learn at home right away what is really going on. Which you can not fool. Finally, they deal with every day otherwise their own emotions and with how they can make a difference. Change. How I hate that word. One always believes firmly that "change" would be a passive process, we even believe in it because it seems to be more convenient. CHANGE. Obama. Bring me a miracle, and quickly. But that does not work that unfortunately.

seem the same time my obsessive attempts something change somehow ridiculous. I quit smoking. I always ask for my furniture and I give away all my stuff because it annoy me so much shit to own. Who the hell needs so much? Why do I need as many DVDs when I only every few years anyway, even unpack? And why all the clothes? That's a damn drug, no more than that! The giving to a short-term well-being and even then only money problems. Money problems .. the word I would also like to emphasize in my vocabulary. This is so ridiculous. How can you meet just as many stereotypes?

I want out of here. Travel. Move .. maybe come back someday. Best described as someone who appreciates his life. Someone has to tell the interesting, because he has already experienced a lot. I have indeed dumb down to hell and fear here inside numb.
It's just corrosive. I want friends. I want my life back!
I, the bitch.

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"I want so badly to believe that there is truth, that love is real and I want life in every word to the extent that its absurd.”

-
Clark Gable by The Postal Service